


The danger of jealousy

by tylerisjoshsfriend



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Jealousy, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-03
Updated: 2019-03-03
Packaged: 2019-11-08 10:26:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,969
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17979569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tylerisjoshsfriend/pseuds/tylerisjoshsfriend
Summary: So Tyler is jealous Josh is an ass and sad shit happens. Tbh this is catharsis.





	1. Chapter 1

Tyler’s crying yet he can’t understand why. Nothing notorious had happened and still stubborn tears stream down his cheeks. Freely they fall down leaving a cold wet trail behind.

 _It hurts, it hurts, it hurts,_ all he can think.

The air is cold around him, thick, it's hard to breath in. The room too small, too full of memories. They once were happy ones. How can they change so suddenly. Why can’t he stand them now when they were all he wanted to think before. Now they’re too loud, too bright, too in his face. He needs them to stop surrounding him. Out, he needs out.

Nothing has happened though.

 _Why are you like this?_ he cant stop himself thinking.

Maybe something did happened.

 _It’s silly_ he argued with himself.His feelings, no matter what, will not agree.

All of this because Josh hasn't reached out. Images of him with other people having fun while he was here being imprisoned by his own thoughts flashes in his mind. Too stubborn, too wild for him to get them under control.

 _It’s toxic. You are toxic. Stop._ A part of him tried to rationalize. The other part wanted to hurt, to punish, to suffer.

Why can't he feel loved when not payed attention to.

_You can't be the center of his life all the time._

Or can he.

_He's the center of your life though._

Josh’s the reason he laughs, why he looks forward to tomorrow's sunrise. He's his universe. It's terrifying how much he means. Everything, everywhere is tainted with Josh. The whole damn house smells like him, reminds him of him. How has it been there before him. How can he live there after him.

Nothing has happened

Or has it.

No, it has not. He’s overreacting. Yes, everything's fine, right? They're fine, they love each other.

Then why he feels him colder when he’s not around. Why is he not around. Does he not want to see him the same way he does.

_Do not think about his hand touching someone else._

Mouth leaving kisses trails. Those lips.

_Mine._

Are they though? Moans that he has heard plenty of time, soft, scratchy and so damn arousing, heard by someone else.

The tears fall harder now. His head has started to hurt. Is he about to have a panic attack?

_Throw up, throw up, throw up._

Maybe if he hasn't been eating so much, maybe if he has trained more. Tomorrow he will get his gym subscription back. Maybe he'll stay.

What if he leaves.

_He will leave if you keep doing this nonsense._

What if he’s right tho and he doesn't love him the same way he does.

_You love him more. You’re too dependant. He’ll break your heart._

He doesn’t think he’ll survive that. After all how many times has he toyed around with dark thoughts before. Way too many. It’s too late now though. He’s in deep shit. He’s fallen so madly in love. He can’t get away from him. They’re too close. Too many memories. Too many places that reminds him of him. In reality he can never stop thinking about him. He’s that enticing.

How terrifying is that. Will he move out when that happens? He can’t afford it. Though he can’t think another way of getting over him.

_Maybe getting fucked up drunk. Or high. Or both._

Will the darkness be back? Has it ever leave though?

_Yes, right?_

The old scars scattered over his skin disagree. The voice convincing him to make himself throw up won’t shut up either. Yet when he’s around that’s an old memory, too subtle to even recall if it was an ugly dream or not.

But he’s not around. He’s out there partying and Tyler has not right to get mad. Yet he is. He wants him here with him. He wants the calming silence in his mind that josh brings with him. The peace.

What he has though is a lonely cold bed, a loud silent room and way too many uninvited thoughts about josh.

_Josh Josh Josh._

Josh with his warm brown eyes, with his bright smile with the freckles he has memorized by now. His smell, his warmth, the way his fingers felt running down his back. Josh and his lips, and his kisses, and the way the toothpaste he uses felt. Too much josh.

And he has his mind.

His mind and the guilt, and the jealousy and the incredibly strong love he felt for him. The fear, the envy, the sadness and how he misses him. The feeling of shame and ridiculousness that engulfed him.

A ring, soft and muffled, of his phone filled the silence. He looks for it but cannot find it till it rings again. A text. It’s josh’s “Are you up? Evrything fine here. Too full tho.” Reads

Or that intended to say. He was drunk, tipsy at least.

Lips on lips hands on hips, on necks, sweaty bodies swaying to the rhythm. Tyler breath got a bit frenetic.

_Stop._

But he can’t stop thinking about losing him to lust, to fun, to something better than him.

 _“_ Yeah, cool, have fun” he wrote but didn’t mean it and then throw the phone away. It almost fell off the bed. He almost wished it did. He can't afford a new one though.

Tyler sort of wished they could be one of those couples that do everything together. The type everybody criticise. How do they get there? Can he make Josh need him as much as Tyler does? Does that makes him a bad person?

When everything gets too much tyler writes. He writes songs about sadness, about fear, about self understanding. But never about heartbreak. He never has let himself love or be loved. Till Josh.

So here he was writing a song of desolation, of fear, of heartbreak. A heartbreak he has created for himself. Cause Josh has done nothing but live. He knows that, he’s aware he’s being ridiculous and yet he can’t stop.

He can’t stop doing this and he’s done with it.

He sometimes even thinks it’ll be better to end this all, break up, be alone. Life was simpler before. Less scary. Lonelier. Then he smiles at him, dimples and bright teeth showing, soft eyes full of joy looking at him and he can not do it. He can not push him away. So he stays and everything it’s alright.

Till it’s not.

The worst part? It’s his own fault. Somehow though he can not get hold of it. He can not stop. He needs it to stop.

Sad chords fill the air. A song that will never leave those four walls resonating while he tries to canalize everything. It helps. Yet everything it’s still there, in the back of his mind, now it’s muffled. Tyler wishes he could just drink it away cause it’s easier but this has to work.

It’s 5 am when the phone rings again. Tyler it’s in bed by now it’s been hours since the first text. Hours since his fingers got tired of playing music. Hours since he has left. You would think he’ll be calm by now, sleeping at least, but he’s not. He can’t. He promises himself not to look yet seconds after he’s unlocking his phone, reading the notifications.

“Home bby, hope u sleeping well xoxo love.” It says.

Tyler can’t stop himself thinking whether he’d smell like another person’s perfume, whether those lips have touched some stranger’s mouth. He gets mad and then guilty.

He does not answer and instead forces himself to sleep, almost failing miserably but achieving it at last.

The next morning he would write “did u have fun?” and pretend nothing happened. Cause nothing has. At least as long as he does not show how sick and jealous he really is.

_Would josh understand if i tell him i don’t want him to go out anymore? Am i bad? I might be._

He never does ask though and instead he hides it all under a fake understanding facade. He hopes it counts that he tries, he really tries to be the best for him.

Even when he pushes away the mixed perfume on Josh’s neck and the small subtle hickey near his clavicle.

 _Everything’s okay. Nothing has happened, there's an a explanation. There must be._ Tyler repeats though he does not ask, he never will. 


	2. Chapter 2

Tyler laid relaxed in the bathtub. Warm water comforting him. His face getting splashed by the running water, his head resting few centimeters away of the rising liquid.

How long has he been there? The cd playing has come and pass a while ago. 40 minutes? Maybe more, he’s not sure.

He closes his eyes trying to relax. Yet all he can think it’s how easy it’ll be to sleep and drown just right there. Josh wasn’t home. He’s probaby screwing that Emma girl who keeps talking with or that John dude who always go out with. Would he feel guilty if he died when he wasn’t around? Would he cry? Or would he just run to the arms of whoever he’s cheating with? Maybe he feels free.

Tyler feels sick but breathes and lets himself get covered by the hot water. It sort of burns his skin.

 _Good_ he thinks.

One bubble. He’d need something to knock him out, something strong to overpower the survival instinct. Two bubbles. He can’t stop picturing the pills in the drawer. He won’t do it though instead just lets the thought wander around his mind.

Would his friends cry?

Three bubbles

Would them feel pity? Shame? Or just forget quickly about him?

Four bubbles.

He gets out of the water quickly while he frantically tries to regain his breath. Survival instinct.

_A shame you can’t turn it off sometimes._

Tyler has grown bitter with time. Josh’s new habit of sleeping around and then coming back home to Tyler like nothing has happened has changed Tyler. He doesn’t remember ever a time like this in his life. He’s violent, he’s dark, he’s mad. He sometimes wonders if he’s possessed. All his instinct dies as fantasies he’s incapable of acting upon. Or is he not.

The water was getting colder by the minute. Warm water had run out by now. Cold it’s good though. He likes contrasts. At least he still can feel that.

He doesn’t cry any longer. He’s done with that. He’s just grown numb, cold, used to the sadness.

He looks through the glass separating him from the rest of the bathroom.There once was an ‘I love you’ that Josh wrote but it’s not longer visible. He wants to bitterly laugh but feels too drown out even for that.

Tyler’s skin lately only smells like alcohol, the smell of soap normally don’t last long. So he enjoys it while it last. Soft vanilla filling his nostrils.

Would he suffer if he was gone?

It doesn’t matter anymore, Tyler just wanted it all gone nonetheless.

It’ll be so easy, so simple.

He does not do it tho and after a while he gets out, avoiding the mirror. He knows what his reflection look like when he is like this. Dark cricles under his pale skin and emotionless eyes would look back to him. He would look dead inside. It’s all he saw before Josh. It’s all he sees because of Josh. Who would have thought.

It’s not long until Tyler has vodka in his glass. He hates it. He hates the way it taste, always have even when he drank it like water as a teenager. He hates the way it burns. He can’t stand the smell and yet lately it feels like it’s the only thing he drinks. He even no longer mix it with juice cause that’s too much work and pure it’s faster to get drunk with.

What would Josh been doing right now? Would the other one make him cum? He hopes so. Imagine how pathetic would be to be cheated with someone that it’s not even good at sex.

Sometimes he remembers the good times. Tyler thinks of himself as masochist by now. But he does. He sits and looks through pictures or goes through gift and cards written in other times. Happier times.

He likes to remind himself the first time he realized he was falling in love. It was so sudden, so out of the blue, so natural.

They met each other in a party. It was instant chemistry. Josh had run out of cash for the cab and lost his friends. So his embriagated brain thought that it’ll be logical to ask around for cash through the club. He asked Tyler for a fiver and one thing lead to the other. Soon Josh’s mouth was over Tyler’s. So hot and demanding. He ended breathless and wanting more.

Because that’s the thing with Josh. He’s addicting.

The next day a text woke him up and so it began.

At first Tyler got bored. He was sort of going out with other guy and was sure that was the one. Yet there was something about Josh. He was so caring, so loving. Tyler has never been treated like that.

It was after good hot sex that he realized he was fucked.

Josh was cuddling him, his warm body covering him, and he felt safe. Josh’s head resting in Tyler’s chest.

“Your heart is going crazy” He said. Tyler got so red he thought his face would burn and permanently be that colour.

 _Fuck,_ he thought.

Few days later he couldn’t even make out with the other guy cause all he wanted was Josh.

He also likes to remember when Josh asked him out. They were arguing about some silly thing jokingly.

Somehow the phrase “Anyway what do you care we are nothing for each other” came out of Josh’s mouth. Tyler felt his heart breaking into pieces but hided it.  

“Oh is that right? Then why am i wasting my money on you” he said with a fake smile on his face.

“Wasting?” Josh asked his smirk disappeared.

“I mean you said we’re not friend but we’re nothing then it’s a waste” Tyler tried to look unbothered.

“And here i was thinking you wanted to be my boyfriend” Josh said so nonchalant that Tyler’s brain could comprehend

“What?” He asked confused.

“Tyler do you want to be my boyfriend?”

Tyler could see that under his facade he was really nervous. That was what he needed to believe this was actually happening  and so he kissed him hard to later mumble a soft ‘yes’.

Tyler was the one to say i love you first surprisingly. It was unplanned. It just happened.

They were teasing each other. Josh asked If he still liked him after Tyler got jokingly mad. All of the sudden the words came out of his mouth without asking permission. He got so scared after it but soon enough he was being kissed and hugged so he calmed himself. “Love you too” was whispered in his neck.

So yeah Tyler was a masochist cause he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Sometimes were good memories, some others he’d torture himself thinking about Josh’s whereabout, most of the times he thinks why.

He doesn’t understand. He knows he’s complicated, he’s hard to be with. He gets that he is quiet and sad and boring. He gets all of that. It was mentioned to him all his life. But he doesn’t get why now. They were fine. They were in love.

_Were we?_

He used to think so. Now he doubts it.

Tyler bottles up his glass of vodka. It burns his throat but he doesn’t let it show.

He’ll kill for blunt right now, or oxy or something to make everything go away.

The only thing he learned from this it’s how easy it’s for him to go back to old habit. It comes so naturally destroying himself slowly that sometimes wonders whether he ever stopped or not.

Every once in a while a text from josh telling what he’s doing interrupts his whole self deprecating act. He doesn’t know if it annoys him more the fact that he’s being lied to or interrupted.

_Maybe both._

He kind of stopped caring. He almost never answers and when he does it sounds cold and hursh.

_He deserves it._

It’s sad how Josh never asks what happened. It was obvious something had happened. All of the sudden tyler had become depressed and cold and not caring. It was so out of the blue that if what tyler thought, _knew_ , was happening wasn’t happening Josh had had to ask about it. But he didn’t.

_He doesn’t care_

Drowning becomes appealing again in his mind. He just pours more vodka in his glass.

How long till his liver fails? A few years?

At least that way people would feel sorry for him. Slitting your wrist doesn’t get that attention.

“Going to anthony’s house after happy hour don’t stay up xo” It says the text.

Tyler wants to smash the phone.

He doesn’t.

He never does anything. His father would call him a coward, and a fag but he’s used to that.

Would Josh miss him if he leaves?

_Coward, coward, coward._

Tyler decides that he’s done playing dumb. He does not cry not even once.

He does not cry when he gets into their room nor when he grabs a few essentials. An uke, some clothes, a book his mom gave him, his pills, some money, and his computer. He does not cry when he grabs a portrait and smashes to the floor nor when he gets out of that fucking house.

Instead when he hears the door closing after him he feels free, empowered even.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok i wasnt gointo write anything more but i have more angst in me idk sorry for this lol

**Author's Note:**

> So english it's not my first language and i haven't spoken in a while so i should be rusty idk sorry for the grammar in that case.  
> Hope you enjoy my rant about how sick i really am cause i'm tyler lol


End file.
